Setbacks or Blessings

Are you really interested in being better or are making excuses to remain the same. It is always about perspective which view destroys me and which view frees me and why on earth would I entertain the one which destroys over freedom? Good question but to be honest don't we often embrace an image of lack and despair over empowerment and peace? Is it really that simple? Yes I believe it is. The why is a bit more complicated and can not be unraveled without complete self honesty. Like it says in the literature we can not fool ourselves about value. And we must dig deep enough to reveal the misconception of who and what we are. some wound or wounds from are past distort and undermine our proper self image. these events likely encompass are the areas we hide from others that include the most pain and shame. I did not like to address or admit how wounded I actually was. If I only flew right and put some distance between me and these Horrors I thought they would go away, to the contrary they became the evil and corroding thread that twisted itself around all that i was trying to do. I became debilitated by my own secret dark image of myself that my choices always seemed to explode in front of me and the people in my life were not healthy and good for me. The process to freedom for included a commitment to be transparent and honest as much as i could. It has been a great adventure. Just recently yesterday in fact I realized i was defining and viewing my life in the context of what i had lost. very limiting and fearful place right there. It then dawned on me that those things i counted as losses were actually obstacles and God in his Love and graciousness was removing all the things that were standing in my way of the life he wants for me. Wow bring it on I can't wait. perspective changes everything. Amen

putting down your flag

Amazing that is what I am. Because God says so.I know this through the Revelation of the holy spirit in my life. Just understanding and feeling his presence is the most remarkable thing that has ever happened facilitated by my little princess joining me in this thing called life. Yes so many tough trials that the lord has carried me through over this last year. All of them have drawn me closer to my beautiful creator. I am so grateful less of me and more of him every step of the way. I am able to love without reservation today. I am able to cherish and adore my princess without fear. I have a love and true compassion for everybody I see and have been given a gift to share with so many I meet. I have a peace that is beyond all comprehension to me. All these are gracious gifts from my father those and many more. As I walk forward I am confronted with the next self imposed restriction in my way. It's my view of me how it relates to how picture myself financially. To be honest for over a month i have been dragging my feet on a great opportunity because I am a difficult time thinking of myself good enough to do this even though truthfully it looks like a perfect fit for me. I praise God for surrounding me with great people to encourage and help me and also many miracles too. I begin this part of my journey affirming God's view of me rather than my own negative self talk. I am amazing loving capable talented and blessed. God made me. Loves me and wants whats best for me. As long as i am thinking and doing for others I am in God's will. Loving Him Myself and others. He said if I do this it will be well with me. He said it, I believe it, that's enough. I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JER 29:11..........................so do we short change God or do we short change ourselves? likely a combination but ultimately we are not enjoying the life he has prepared for us. God is distant and we are struggling daily with fear and doubt wondering why we never seem to enjoy all the rich blessings we are sure he would want for us. I believe it stems from our own self image. Everything as we walk closer to our creator requires honest evaluation and courage. We are more than likely confronting vaporous demons and ill conceived lies, There is no bogey man. live free and be happy because God want me too.

halfway there

My princess and I are now halfway home. She will be out in six more months maybe five if everything goes right. The ache i feel in my heart is beyond description. The love i feel grows everyday. I have only eyes for her and her alone. I have become the Love expert, but really the difference in me compared to anyone else is only courage and i trust Jesus. i accept myself. God loves me and he made me this way. he has a purpose that i am supposed to live out. Loving what he has made and loving the people I meet. With My princess he gave me the charge to love her above all others and I count that as my greatest legacy. My ability to love is so beyond the man I once was. I have only one real message Love, and do it with all your heart, hold nothing back. It's are only hope we never have more power than when we love this way. I can feel how my princess is doing all the time. She is the most spoiled person in that jail and I am literally frustrated i can't do more. Love gives and gives never tires or grows weary. Is not afraid and is constantly courageous. Six months and still my heart aches and this sadness never leaves me. I have peace that goes beyond comprehension. In the last six months i have had my princess sentenced for a year in the county hell hole, i have had the people watching her son refuse me access to him for over four months, i have lost my Job, i have been told to not come back to the church we loved. i have witnessed my ex-wife start drinking and the kids close by have had to see that. She has been on a year long campaign to bad mouth me at every opportunity, and just recently my divorce with her was final. What would you do and how would you react? i know how the old me would have. it might have included a single bullet. I am who I say I am. Love Always wins and it does. God has gifted me with the ability to return all this calamity with Love, Really yes really. is he insane you might ask. Fair enough watch me closely I am who I say I am. Over the last three months i have had the great honor of sharing this simple message of Love to so many people usually followed by those grateful yearning tears of relief. My observation is that most of this world lacks Love we are wounded broken and fractured our hearts crave it and our souls search for it. The culmination of all those who hurt us is a false distortion of our real beauty. we make one decision after another to shield ourselves from any further pain. a self created prison which we built to protect us which it fails miserably at anyway, but does cut us off from real love and real happiness. a life predicated on safety but none exists. but we live in lonely darkness to afraid to ever come out as we build one more shield to protect us, but all the flaming arrows hit us anyway. manage and control, fear and doubt and such despair. it eventually seems hopeless, and as long as we do it this way it will be. i choose to put it all on the line remove all the shields and live and love today as if there is no tomorrow. like i said we are never more powerful than when we love this way. at this point i hardly ever think of myself and don't care what anyone thinks of me. i am free finally. love always wins. Thank you my little princess.

who can stand against me

it's been awhile life has not been boring at all though far from it. So much has happened in my life I am currently unemployed. over the last few months various trials beset me. Even though i would rather not have had to walk these many difficult miles what i have learned could not have happened other wise. When it comes to the building of my relationship with my princess so many revelations brought out by walking through these unfortunate circumstances. After i lost my job I had to talk to my princess and even though i knew better i worried just a little about her reaction but her love for me was so magnificent and when just this week I told her that the church we both have loved told me not to return she was shocked and very upset but she again loved me unconditionally. And when she was sentenced to a year in jail and taken away and i told her i would write everyday while she is gone. I have now have written her over three hundred letters in less than six months. And as these pages pour out over and over again the words of my undying love she sees that someone can love that way and that she is my princess. We have addressed almost every fear and situation that i would really have liked to avoid. If life had not presented me with these circumstances i would have never had the joy of seeing that my fears were unfounded and this little princess does love me really love me. I have watched my whole life change over the last year since i have decided to live as honest and transparent as possible. Even though i a currently facing some many obstacles i would not trade any of for what i have received, Old friends and some great new friends a beautiful calling on my life and the absolute love of my princess who i adore. If i remained in my old life i may have not had so many obstacles and life would have likely gone on just as before but i would have been in the process of slowly dying and my savior and the knowledge of what love is would have never been revealed to me. i thank God for all he has done and continues to do for me.

Lovve Always Wins God's Gift

LOVE ALWAYS WINS it has been an amazing journey so far. I have no idea were it ends. I do know what is central to it all is Jesus and my little princess who is now in jail. Only about seven more months to go and i will finally be able to hold her and kiss her again. last week I was writing her my usual large batch of postcards and was extremely moved by the holy spirit last week as I thought about her a lot fervent prayer through out my week. She called me about twenty minutes ago and was so touched by the perfect timing of what i rote one of my letters to the day she was having today. I wrote that letter days ago. this has happened now so many times it no longer surprises us one bit. love always wins is our phrase. Tonight we chuckled and reminisced over a memory of our son Kobe and cooking pancakes. Shawnie and really have not been together that long, but it seems like we have inexhaustible supply of memories we cherish. We really are transported back together every time we share them together. Every Sunday Morning I go down to visit her in the jail more often than not I arrive tired with blood shot eyes and will usually have to wait over an hour for them to bring her up to me, but the instant I see her I forget about everything else and the whole time we have to spend together I am unaware of anyone else around me even though the room is loud and full of about thirty other prisoners and there guests. My nickname for her is princess and I rally look at her that way. My Love journey has brought me so far from any place that ever thought existed. I love her so fully and completely without one ounce of reservation. Believe or not but even though she has been away for five months now i literally only have eyes for her, not even a passing thought of any other female. The absolute freedom i have is beyond description. My love for her grows and grows all the time. i believe that Love real love comes from God and God alone we as humans do not posses the capacity to live, love and sacrifice this way. So naturally my relationship with my creator Jesus Christ and the holy spirit also is so deep and meaningful to me that often i am moved to tears just by the holy spirits presence. I have learned to be pretty faithful to it's guidance in my life. He has over the last month brought over twenty different people across my path most of them women that i have shared a beautiful message of love and freedom. He has gifted me with this vision or insight to there pain and shame. I have been instructed to reveal to them how beautiful they are and it's OK for them to themselves and they are not defined by the lies and betrayal's of there past. These encounters are sometimes brief and sometimes rather Lengthy interchanges, Some of these people i knew casually but most of them i have never met and most of them i have only seen once. I always remind them they are so much better than who they think they are which my pastor like to say. It was not many months ago all i was concerned about was a very small group of people close to me. Today the love i have for so many different people is astounding and even though i share such a beautiful message and speak i rather large circles i am not very popular so many lack the courage to shed the shackles of the lies that define them. I am really not bothered or concerned in the least bit by this because i am doing what my father wants me to do. True Love is real and does exist our hearts crave and it is easy but we will have to strip naked and leave behind everything we have ever known and cold and naked we eventually come face to face with all are fears and then we have summon all the courage we have ever had and keep walking forward. The fear finally has to be left behind too and then we will draw as close to our creator as we have ever been. When we say to him you all of me it at least for me required leaving behind everything. So in the service of my lord and savior as a product of My decision to love and love and love i find myself in the service to the one who is love. Love always wins

who are you really

Who are you really? Does that answer depend on the day and your current circumstances. In so many cases that likely is true if we are honest with ourselves, We so often chase some many different things to satisfy us and fulfill us don't we. true love better job, car, house, Friends. Or is it respect and recognition. Does it matter if we are well liked or not. Does it matter if anyone thinks we are smart, or beautiful. today i am without a Job. I was fired on Monday. Yes a hardship but does that change who i am or what i am worth ? I have discovered that i am who i am, Nothing more Nothing less. It is enough i am loved by some very exceptional people nobody more cherished than my little princess Shawnie who from the very beginning saw me for exactly who i am, And loved me anyways. The real beautiful aspect is she is the first woman who also saw the remarkable gifts i have to give too. She knows me better than any woman i have ever been with and Loves me more every day. She has been able to see first hand that i do truly have a remarkable gift to Love. She knows and has completely captured my heart an i do believe receives that Love completely. Neither one of us are perfect and who is ? it does become the reality of Love that you do love the whole package. You must have two honest and willing participants that have the courage to really let true love exist. Love always wins and it is unconditional love which really is the only description of Love that makes any sense at all. the long list of the constant upheaval that i call my life finds with more peace than i have ever known before. Divorce, money troubles my little princess is still eight months away from getting a kiss from me, her son who i adore is prevented from seeing for over the last three months with no end of that in sight. Yes very daunting for sure, but Jesus Christ is refining me and using me to share with so many they are precious and beautiful just the way they are, Today i trust Jesus and the holy spirit to guide and direct my life to help many people find and receive a love that transforms lives. Evey step and every breath i take bring me closer and closer to the only one that matters and what he desires to share withe everyone is so needed by all. Love. Yes Love always wins

perfect just the way you are

If God is Love. If we are made in the likeness of god. Then our human capacity to Love is far greater than we can imagine, we will never achieve anything close to how Jesus Loves us buy we can reach to far greater heights than we think. Lately the holy spirit has put me in front of so many different people to share one sincere and honest message. You are perfect just the way you are and are precious in the eyes of the Lord. at least a half dozen people have been moved to tears when i have shared this with them. Oddly there is also many who really don't want to hear this at all. I know the idea of being precious personally was a hard one for me. i have lived most of my life believing that there was something wrong with me. i was never able to achieve any relief from this image of myself. my belief was predicated on a lie. i of course never achieved anything close to perfection. i stumbled and failed anguished and internalized these things tried harder was ashamed and hid myself from others. all of this became a vicious circle that imprisoned me and choked me off from any real peace in my life. through some very eye opening and difficult challenges i saw that right or wrong God made me this way. I decided honesty and transparency would be my creed and that is just what i have done it has brought me so far from were i began that i literally don't recognize myself anymore. i discovered that i have been put on this earth To Love and love very deeply all by power of the Holy Spirit. God brought me a little princess gave me one charge which is to Love her and oh boy how i do love her. but his other purpose was to bring out further and further to discover him so personally that i understand so much better how much he loves me, and then i turn how much he loves everyone else too. i have a mission today as the spirit leads me to take every opportunity to share this truth to as many people as i can. i have been given the vision to see those that looked like me they appear lonely and lost. They are striving to repair something that is not broken namely themselves. Don't be mistaken we will always fall short of the glory of God but we are perfectly suited for life in our imperfection god never wanted us perfect. i believe our struggles hardships and trials are actually our blessings because they so strongly show us that we need a savior so anything that can remind of that fact is a blessing. i embrace all that draws me to him. The holy spirit is alive and real my companion, confidant and guide. through this broken and imperfect vessel as long as trust him he does great things. May they God of Hope give you all joy and peace as you trust in Him, by power of the holy spirit. you are equipped to do all things thru him just as you are. lean on him cast off the shackles of all the lies enter the light and enjoy real joy and peace.

Courage

Are we going to live a life defined the culmination of our experiences or are we going to have enough courage to shed the shackles of our past and really embrace who we really are? It seems like an easy question to answer, and it is, but the process application and implications of this decision will challenge us in so many different ways. We are then ultimately responsible and accountable for so much of what and where we are at. This truth often hurts to much to embrace and it creates a belief system that no matter how limiting it is has been our comfortable companion for a very long time. It is built on the tragic failures in our life of so many people through out are lives that we thought loved us. Yes they did fail us sometimes painfully and tragically. Maybe even victimized us. But at whatever age you now sit we must ask how long are we going to allow these memories to define us. Every single one of them is predicated on a lie. The sobering conclusion we usually draw from all of this is that we are flawed an inadequate. This is by far the biggest misconception we Will ever carry around with us. It affects every single fabric of our lives all of our relationships, careers. It also prevents us in so many ways from fully and completely loving and enjoying God because we view ourselves as flawed and unlovable.Every single one of us is precious is perfect in the eyes of our creator. In our imperfection we are perfectly suited for the journey he has planned for us. God wanted me this way in all my messy humanness. He is very fond of me. Take me or leave God loves me just the way i am. " I know the plans i have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jer: 29:11 Read that over and over and pay attention to what your mind says if it reels off a bunch of defeating and negative responses, if fear enters your being. If you start creating a list of conditions that have to be met in order for this to be true. It has revealed that you are stuck in a self created hell that doesn't really allow the true sunlight of the spirit in. You will be prevented from enjoying peace and joy in your life. It's not that it isn't true it's that you will not allow it. That kind of unconditionally loving relationship between a man and a woman will always escape and the longing for it will torment you forever. Courage is not the absence of fear, but it is being afraid and doing it anyways. If you think you will better yourself to a point that you will walk out of the darkness unafraid i believe you will live in the darkness forever. I enjoy that kind of Real Love for the first time in my life. It's messy and complicated, beautiful and amazing. It has brought on a journey were i am constantly trying to reveal and be rid of more and more of me because every time i do i can Love my Princess and Jesus more. Every step has not been easy but every single one of them has been so worthwhile because every part of me yearns desires to love more everyday.

Really can we rise above are circumstances

Really, how easy is it too let outcomes define us Christian or non-christian alike. Employed or unemployed married or unmarried renting or buying new car or old car too hot or too cold, and then the millions of different variations of all that more better, if we lack whatever that means in creeps some flawed barrage of less than deficiencies you can imagine more often than not carried around in secrecy with us willing someone to affirm so false denial of our own self image which we created and have fully reinforced ourselves by the conclusion and perception of our own self created hell. Likely unaware that we have fashioned such a terrible belief we then somehow others around will be able to some how validate our yearning to be loved and different, but they do not stand a chance because will never be released from this prison. So we live in this cycle of compromises and half truths and are constantly running from the conclusion we ourselves have written. I no longer do that at some point thru a failed marriage a finally having come to the end of living a lie, and deciding to be as honest and transparent as i possibly could life changed for me forever. True love does exist i am living it and my princess is four months into a year jail sentence, Jesus Christ and the holy spirit are my constant companions and give me the insight and ability to Love my princess unconditionally and so much more every day i could tell you so many stories and you would likely dismiss me as a fool. If i ever talked to you in person it becomes so much harder to do that because my conviction and sincerity are so real. i am not an idiot but i am In Love and nobody or anything will ever be able to separate my princess from the Love i have for her, we are made in the likeness of God, we will never be able to Love exactly like God does but we can do much better than what most of us settle for, My absolute goal is to love more everyday and by the power of the holy spirit everyday i do.

Just keeping active

It has been a little while since i have added anything to my lengthy journey. All is pretty well here my Princess still is in jail, but we are actually growing closer than ever together and in Christ. Recently the holy spirit has become my nearly constant companion. This has made me so much more emotional than i ever thought possible many things around me now touch me very deeply. i have been gifted with insight to the lost condition of so many around me. sometimes the weight of it is hard. The spirit lives and loves every one. i think the concept of Love really prevents so many people from enjoying any real communion with Jesus on any real meaningful level. first there own image is defined by there relationship in there past. they also have a concept of Love that really is about what you get out of any situation. I guess society in general portrays that skewed version of Love. So saddled with a self image reinforced by lost and broken souls and the idea we are waiting for our pay off. Unconditional Love which really is the only description of Love that is true. Is so far out of reach for so many people i see. I have been nicknamed Precious moments because i have been telling so many people that they are precious and perfect just the way they are. with some interesting results a lot of tears from some. some of them you can watch that no matter they will not even consider this possibility. If they could ever shed the shackles of lies that they mask there real beauty then maybe they could accept the love Jesus has for them and then just maybe they could also find that same kind of Love here on earth too. I have it is the most incredible revelation in my life. true love does exist and you can have it all, but you have to Love yourself so that you have the courage to give it all away. Give, give, and give some more. Love never says i have done enough or i will love you if. My payoff is just as much in the giving as it is in the receiving. honesty and transparency are in dispensable and oddly enough everyone is so transparent anyways. there is often some huge agreement because most people are spending so much energy hiding they can't see the apparent transparency in those around them. real freedom is the goal real peace and joy awaits you if you have the courage to reveal all that you are and embrace your God given ability to Love. Yes it is what we are all about anyways but this is maybe the hardest step you will ever take. I pray that you Will have the courage to jump in

The Challenge for all ages

There is really two important questions we all are constantly swirling around that haunt us because the answer to them often change depending on the circumstances of are lives. Is there a God and does true love actually exist. The first one is a lot easier to answer because if we want we can deal with it in the abstract which i don't recommend because the real answer to that question lies in the soul of all men and women. It is actually as personal and intimate as the second question, Both of them the answer is yes, but we will never really enjoy a heartfelt communion on any real level by dipping our toes in the water. The kicker of it all is that we have to abandon all measure of self will and self control. sadly this proposition is likely enough to make sure you don't ever ask these questions correctly so you don't have to be accountable for the consequences of the choices you make. I understand we live in a trade off world were we risk little live in some bullshit agreement that you do for me and i will do for you. Yes inter mingled is some altruistic moment and maybe a deep abiding love but we hold back reveal only enough under the general wisdom that some how we should put a premium price on our safety, which is the stupidest thing ever because we reveal enough to be devastated but not enough to achieve what it is our heart longs for or we because of certain self esteem issues find are selves in a situation that only further reinforces our poor view because no matter how much we love them they are unwilling or incapable to receive or return it and took matters worse we may stay way too long looking for a payoff that will never come. The sad conclusion of course is we are unlovable we shrink and retreat cover ourselves up because the real me is so despicable that if i am just myself all will run away in horror at what they see. Logically we all can dismiss this notion but our heart often tells a different story we even begin to analyze and evaluate are selves to be the crazy ones so we push this overriding life changing urge to have more real deep inside of us, i know i did what a horrible lonely existence some of you might have been more successful and this slight of hand i always knew were the bean was i was never really free from the turmoil of my tortured soul there was no escape from it finally i thought my life was just going to be unfulfilled and shallow. My cry's unheard and my heart would remain forever broken. My initial question provided the freedom that my heart so desired One could not exist without the other the road to real real redemption requires nothing and everything at the same time. honesty and transparency became my new way of life and as my Dad has told me which some of you might find objectionable is i first had to love myself, not that kind of conceited love many think of but rather i had to accept all of me the good the bad and the ugly, OK watch the wise cracks. If i have nothing to hide and have no need to defend myself then the journey begins and all the other entries of this blog describe the most incredible learning and loving experience of my life. Whether you believe me or not but i now know what unconditional love is for the very first time oh sure our kids have always given us this beautiful perspective but on a romantic level i now know it very well and even though my princess Shawnie is still in jail for another nine and half months we have watch God build some thing amazing, this is were some of you who are of a christian faith will quickly quote scriptures that would clearly admonish me for leaving my wife and heading down the path i am on. I understand and a year ago i would have been right with casting the stones, but it is so undeniable on so many different levels that the hand of god is upon me and the holy spirit has become my nearly constant companion. Read the other entries of my blog trust your heart and don't dismiss me as some hopeless romantic. i think that we are made in the likeness of God and the capacity of Love we have can be so much greater than we ever imagined. God Bless you all

Were does Love end

were does Love end? if you have an answer then likely my opinion is yo don't know what love is. Love never states i think i i have done enough. It always asks is there more that i can do. Love always wants to give more is driven to sacrifice more. love always feels a passion to reveal itself on a greater and greater scale. Always wants to be heard. has no fear. is transparent and always honest. It is completely vulnerable and open. It can't be hurt or damaged. Has no agenda. Is not predicated on what is in it for me. Love creates it's own path is illogical and makes no sense. It draws you out to the point were you are left vulnerable and naked, but still it asks for you to surrender even more. If you are on this path at some point it will only be justified by God, because love with any real value i believe can not exist without his presence. The ability and courage to Love are not in our nature we are selfish self centered beings. True Love in my case has brought me closer and closer to god than ever before. Throwing all fear and caution to the wind i plunge in. If your real honest and very sincere there is know turning back. once the dam has been released and the flood begins ever putting a stop to it's impossible. I have spent my life trying to control a trickle because i thought it was safer, but there was no real gain from this because i risked very little. I was still very devastated when my approach did not give the soul satisfying Love my heart craved. We can not dance with the devil and let fear hold us back. This only indicates our lack of faith and will always leave us in a never ending state of turmoil. often the best we can hope for is a state of denial and compromise along with a general feeling of numbness, that we tell ourselves this is happiness. Just the thoughts of a mad man. I have expressed these thoughts in many different settings and i am so often just given blank stares as a response. So many people me included at one time can not see the futility of there way of thinking. Courage to pursue and believe to Love and be Loved no guarantees but there is no other place I'd rather be, as my Dad likes to say.

Reflections

It is the twelfth day of June. I just got back from the court house and filed the last paper work for my divorce. Stacie is now on the clock twenty days for to respond. i have no idea how this all plays out. it is all in God's hands anyway. Interesting though when i initially filed the paperwork i left feeling really good and in the past when i crossed this bridge i always felt like a failure. Actually feel liberated and Free, weird though i have never been better and my life is completely in shambles in some sense. Money is so tight and the Divorce is out there looming my princess is in jail and i can't see Kobe right now. For any of you is a christian it would seem that the lord would find me in disfavor, i certainly understand how you would come to that conclusion. If i was looking in from the outside i might think the same thing. Divorce is such an intimidating scenario for most people to be around it scares them likely because they have issues in their own lives. Easier to condemn and dismiss me as a sinner than really see that God's hand is guiding me directing me to do everything i am doing, yes much of this is unfortunate but God knew i would not likely have learned and grown to the degree i have if i had not lived this life this way. we can agree to disagree if you have philosophical differences with me i understand. I believe he has such an unbelievable adventure in store for me that at some point he will restore my credibility, which i don't to deserve or have apart from him anyways. It's great to attach value to some sense of security and a certain degree of financial stability and pat ourselves on the back like that means we are redeemed by our good fortune, but i believe that all that false worldly value often can be are trap. I have no idea if this applies to anyone in particular. i am not the judge of any one's heart our the critic of there journey. I examine myself daily and reflect on whether not i have peace in my life or not. In order to do so accurately i need to know who and what i am, and even though i have flaws accept me just the way i am. Honestly with all that is currently in my life i have so much peace and very little fear. I trust and really be live that the holy spirit is guiding me directing me. That really is my final judge no other explanation needed no defense has or could be given. Jesus Loves me and has a plan for my life, I know the plans i have for declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jer 29:11 No condemnation in Christ i am a new creation and he loves me.

it's truly amazing in spite of these circumstances to watch Love grow anyways. Shawnie and are more grounded and in Love than any single moment since we met. I saw her and talked to her on Sunday. Our visits are so sweet and the Love just flows between us is so present it washes oevr everything we do. when we are on the phone we only have about twelve minutes to talk so before we are done Shawnie stops our chatter and says quickly tell me how much you love me. i am captured by this and with my heart a glow with all that i feel inside i pause and tell my princess how much i love her. the absolute power and sincerity in the moment might actually throw her to the ground so I tell her very quietly Say " I Love and Miss you so much" tears actually swell in my throat. If i could bottle that moment we could solve all the world's problems. The world id full of the pain ridden lonely existence of lies and comprimise people call life. True Love reuires courage most people settle. Hell i did for so many years never again. Love always wins have the courage to love and be loved. i life with out love is know life at all,

Love Always Wins. i am a fifty father of nine children not all mine, but my love for them has never been restricted by there blood origin. i have been married three times twice to the same woman who i am currently in the process of getting a divorce from we have been married for over fifteen years we had one son together, Bryan who is sixteen and a absolute miracle from god. Stacie and i reunited in such a way that the hands of God appeared to move mountains to touch us. long story short too much baggage and trust issues that stood in are way to overcome. i believe that love does always win but you have to have a heart before you who no matter what has the ears to hear and the courage to respond to the impossible, they will all come with baggage but the must have enough courage to decide in spite of all the pain life brings them they have to say yes. now the real beginning nine months ago when Stacie sat me down and told me it was over and she wanted a divorce, i knew it had been over for about four or five months God gave me our final swan song of this huge outpouring of love, letters and songs a complete infatuation. this lasted for over two months and then it dawned on me one day that no matter how long and hard i poured into this vessel she would never be convinced that i loved her and one day no matter what i did the love was gone. five months later we arrived at the inevitable. even though this came as no real surprise the reality of this circumstances were of course very challenging. i am a member of AA and have been sober for over twenty seven years. i had not really been active for a long time but i returned and began the process of healing, which actually started about two years earlier. another story about my dad. maybe some day i will share that too. anyways once i returned to AA i quickly realized that most of my marriage with Stacie was a long journey of disappearing for me, i mistakenly endorsed and embraced the idea that there was something wrong with me and spent so much time thinking about about who and what i was supposed to be so Stacie would love me, i really never became very good at being a fraud. we were always beset with tension and conflicts i was often accused of being a liar, and yes of course i was. intuitively I Knew it wasn't safe. as i meander it became clear to me i needed to not be a secret anymore. so honesty and transparency became my mantra very scary for my hidden self but very quickly i really developed some peace and really started to love my imperfect self. i started painting after over twenty years. my pieces are always a window into my soul, if i am not free all i create is mud. all the work i have done since that day has been some of the best of my life and very cathartic for me freedom at last. even though i was not very good at this love thing. through honesty and transparency i was free i rejoiced, i was not driven to a woman on any real level they all looked like a prison too me. remember the word prison. this is the start of putting up or shutting up are you really honest are you really can you respond to Love. At this time along came my princess in the most unexpected way, my life has not been the same since i have learned more about and true love in the last eight months than i had learned in the previous fifty years. tune in soon for chapter two will arrive shortly

I told Shawnie that i was writing this for her she sent me a letter that included some other memories these most likely happened when we were all together, she of course recalled our second Date at church and wondered if i remembered with a burning passion i remembered it all also my party. Reading with Bryan. Worshipping at church which might be the sweetest of all every Sunday i save her a seat and blow her kisses and often cry. So to add a few would include countless hours watching Scrubs and the Office and all the be quiet and usually Shawnie prepared us all a huge feast, Bryan had Netflix so we watched all the seasons and would get all excited because we knew in the mail had arrived a new episode to watch. And i just talked about kobeism but with him you had to feild a million questions about every super hero imaginable, hulk, spider man, iron man, on and on. My Dad lives In tuscon and Shawnie and went out ther once by ourselves and once with Kobe. The first time we went i was going through his garage and nearly tripped and fell i thought i recovered, but Shawnie did not miss a thing and stopped me so she could savor the moment in gut wrenching laughter and later that day we all went to lunch and rode in my Dad's car we all tried to help direct him but after three tries he did succeed in taking out my mirror. he had never met anyone quite like Shawnie and the very deep discussions and her questions did make my dad sweat a little, but it was great fun. Then the next time we brought Kobe and he blew great big bubbles and talked non-stop as usual and the sunset was so beautiful. Bryan when he first met Shawnie on the first day we all went out to eat Bryan and her were trading Barbs and she Happened upon that he was often referred as Baby and she needled him enough he got a little torqued, oddly enough though a few months later everybody in the house was referredto as Baby from time to time. I cant' believe neither on of us remembered this Bryan was fifteen and a half and had his permit and this was either the first or second day he was driving. Shawnie was in the passenger seat i was in back we stopped to check on dierections so i hopped out and as soon as i did i felt something rolling up on my leg. It was the tire to the car Bryan had let his foot of the brake just enough i howled and snapped at Bryan instantly. Shawnie on the other hand began to howl with laughter and it was fifteen minutes later before she could actually ask me how i was doing, and know the story has changed and i am the mean dad for snapping at him. Oh my Gosh that was funny. I have joked with Shawnie that i think she waits for me to stumble because the loud laughter always follows, we have laughed so long and hard i don't know how we did not wake up the boys or are neighbors Also on night we dragged out his big wheel and washed it all up and put spider man stickers all over it we were up till three in the morning lovingly doing this because we knew it would mean so much to him. Shawnie went to church every Wednesday with the boys i could never go because i worked nights but oh how i looked forward to those amazing reports of all the miracles that seemed to happen. It's really impossible to chronicle all these memories because every day we had new ones our life included miracle after miracle, Shawnie were and are blessed with the vision to see them and always praise God for each and every one. the affirmations of all that we do is an ever present reminder to always strive to do the right thing and Love does Truly always win.

Well a month in and i finally was able to see and respond to god as my only reliable and true source of strength and comfort. God quietly told me to quit talking and just trust him. At this point i had been raging in desperation in full panic mode for over a month and in quite a distracted mode because of the upcoming sentencing for quite a bit longer. As a result my job performance had suffered greatly i even got a one day suspension because of quality and the week before took a week's vacation to clear my head and during that week i was exhausted every day until Wednesday. After all this when i finally returned to work for the first time in many months i felt present and productive. Kinda like " I'm Back" so i thought every day i showed up with a new sense of freedom and peace, all God given. things did feel like this dark cloud had been lifted and all was going to be ok again, and lord knows we all needed for me to still work. Well one day just like any other day except my usual assistant had the day off but the day shift assistant stayed over and the graveyard assistant came in early. right at shift change for them we switched from a two color job to a one color job, as is customary you wash up the now unused down and then open the two rollers that the ink was flowing through. To this day i remember vividly doing that but later on Graveyard they found the two rollers together and a brand new rubber roll was destroyed. Backtracking a little a few days before we had a plant wide meeting and they described the wholeful state of our company we had lost over a third of are business recently, and they keep rolling out the " talk is cheap" approach as i call it and typically if only we could do more better all would be well. i have worked in over five different box plants and have over twenty years expierence, so when i say this is by far the worst trust me it is. So in this meeting i could not keep my big mouth shut and rather passionately held there feet to the fire, at one point my plant manager shot back with a personal jab. It is what it is. God please give me insight and wisdom when to keep my mouth shut. then the unfortunate mishap on my machine and two days later they called me in on this matter which was not good, and to make matters worse my union representative hated my guts and had not talked to me in months, he was actually my assistant at one point and we had worked together for about a year, we all filed into this room five of us and my worst nightmare all of them were lined up against me. they told me i would be getting a five day suspension and when i returned the would decide if i still had a job. Afterwards after a private meeting it was told to me in fact when i returned i would not have a job. wow hit me right were it hurts. in spite of the gravity of the situation i left very calmly. on my way home i examined myself because normally i would be freaking out so i must be crazy. when i got home my biggest concern was telling Shawnie because in the past whenever i had lost a job it was the end of the world and eventually became my fault. and even though in every way possible i knew that shawnie was so different this was not a bridge i ever wanted to cross with her, but if i did not there would have always been in the back of my mind that part of the reason she was with me was because i had worth because i had a job. it's two thirty in the afternoon and out of the blue she calls . so i swallow my pride and tell her what happened and to my amazement all she was concerned about was me and how i was doing. no mention at all about how this might afect her. Wow true unconditional love i was literally transformed in that instant. all lingering doubts and fears about how Shawnie felt about me in that moment we erased. She even called back later that night to check up on me. I got to go visit her the next day, never once did she mention how this might impact her. As we were talking at the jail i looked at her and told her i would find another job real soon. she looked me lovingly and confidently right in the eyes and said" i know you will" you can't imagine how i felt. this turned out to be an amazing week. I got to go see an author that meant alot to me. i got to go see my Dad. and then the miracle. Tuesday i was told i had no job. Thursday work called and told me they just had a big layoff and they neede to talk to me. here we go an easy way to give me a graceful exit. we arranged to meet on Friday. So i went in on Friday and was told even though i would not be returning in my old position i would still have a job. I believe Satan through his best shot at me and i did not respond in fear, he had to release me. I found out later my supervisor with little regard for his own status made them do the right thing. my angel anyways. Shawnie also was trying to be captured by the evil one as she heard that Kobe's dad was now harassing her family wanting to get Kobe. This is her absolute worst fear. she called me crying and in a panic, since my own job miracle i knew that in spite of all that we could see the lord had our back. I told her i knew it would all be ok. She spent a whole day engulfed in this fear, but God graciously brought her a book that opened her eyes and brought her back to the truth. last week i recieved some great letters from her one was so beautiful as it described in our intimate time together how we would not have to say asingle word but could communicte everything. i saw her on Sunday she tearfully shared how she lovingly got the chance to bring her roomate to the Lord. We in unision knew and rest in the knowledge and truth that Love indeed always win. Two months after her going away in spite of this hardship we are closer and on more solid footing than ever before. explain that. God is truly amazing if you have the courage to believe.

well my life has been turned upside down at this point. Everything is out of control i am grasping for something to hold on to. I attend a lot of AA meeting and am pouring out my heart and talking and sharing very honestly about my painful circumstances. I am telling everyone about how much i miss Shawnie and Kobe. After my meeting with Joe and Dene i went right to an AA meeting and Joe called me and admitted he was touched by my honest display of love and they agreed to let me have Kobe every Sunday so i could take him to church and after Church to see his Mom in jail. I was encouraged by this and looked forward every week to having him and seeing her. this was short lived though. I thought i needed someone to help me and talked and talked to anyone i could. i ran around like a chicken with his head cut off for awhile. I did go get Kobe every Sunday morning we went to church and as was his custom he bounded through the court yard because he was so eager to spend some time with his friends. Ours visits with Shawnie even though they always included a few tears got better and better. i always did the handsome line routine we also always found time to go to the park and replayed the " born ready" scenario to our collective enjoyment. We talked a lot about Mommy and how much we missed her, and over and over again i reassured him we would all be together again, it was becoming more and more difficult on him when i took him home though. we were at Jimmy's house and when it was time to go he just started bawling and slumped in my arms and implored not to take him back and that he wanted to stay with me. I just held him and held him for a long time. Comforted him and promised him that we would all be together again as soon as possible, he calmed down after about ten minutes and we took him home. The following week though is distress pain and anguish was far worse and there was nothing i could do to comfort him. When we arrived at Dene his was still very upset. She asked what was wrong and he told her i don't want to live here i want to live with Daddy-Mark. I was heartbroken this little precious cargo was just too young to understand. The rest of the day i was in and out of tears because i knew that he was so upset. Dene and Kobe went out to see Shawnie that day. Later that day Shawnie called and dropped the bombshell Dene believed it was just too hard on every one for Kobe to see me every Sunday. And even though i understood and did feel so helpless to help him i was devastated anyways. Shawnie and i cried together and reassured ourselves that this was the best thing for him. He was just such a large part of my life at this point and l loved him so much plus every time i seen him i saw so much of his Mom in everything he did. Afterwards i went to an AA meeting and poured out my heart like i have never done before my pain so intense i could not stand it i spoke slowly and very quietly all from heart. In that room that day was quite a few people i knew many with years of sobriety. After the neeting still crushed by these current events but feeling better because i spoke none of these people even talked to me except this young man who i did not even know, he only had seventeen days sober. All this was by God' design. That day i finally heard that quiet still voice " here i am" i had been looking for someone, but was trying to reveal to me that only he was ready willing and able to help me carry this burden.

i am writing these last few entries in succession because i think if i stop i might not finish and so much important stuff still lies ahead. it was already arranged that if the worse case scenario happened Kobe was going to live with Shawnie's sister Dene and her brother-in-law Joe, which had been so faithfully clinging to the hope this would never happen we did not really prepare very well at all for this outcome, so it was agreed that some time Sunday the three of us would talk. the two of them were really busy with some wedding plans for Dene's daughter Amanda's wedding so i had Kobe that whole first weekend. so after my first visit with Shawnie and Kobe we went home and went to the park and played some baseball which he always enjoyed and i let him ride on my shoulders as we walked and talked about how much we missed his Mommy another of his favorite activities and he always asked how high was he. I am surprised i have not mentioned this before but Shawnie and him had this routine every morning were she would look at him and ask " you didn't" and we would always answer " what" as he drew in closer to her with this small smile as he contorted his body in anticipation of what was to come next. Shawnie proceeded to start tickling him and squealing in glee as she said " yes, yes you did, you got in that handsome line again " she would pause for an instant and then say" yes, yes you are more handsome than the day before" and also say" why, why you are so handsome you need to let all the other boys get in the line too" this was repeated every single morning and i promised Shawnie that i would do by best imitation of this beautiful mother and son ritual as i could so that Sunday morning before we went to see his Mom and before he knew were she was i gave it my best shot and he gleefully enjoyed every second of it, but when we were done i had to turn away because there was tears rolling down my face knowing all well he would only get for some time was this impostor and not his mommy. So i did my very best to provide Kobe with all our usual routines that weekend, i stayed strong and actually having Kobe around always helped because i saw my beautiful Princess all over her little angel. Even though we had not made any real arrangements for Kobe it was discussed that i would likely have Kobe every morning since Dene worked graveyard and would need to get some sleep, so i eagerly anticipated Kobe and i playing all the Kobeism as we called them and i could keep my promise to Shawnie to take care of our precious cargo. So without much thought of this conversation that we were all going to have about Kobe i brought him over to Dene and Joe's. we all sat down and it dawned on me that there existed a degree of tension and defensiveness in the room. unbelievably the outlined to me that they thought the best thing for Kobe did not include me. I was stunned i really tried hard to be understanding, i shared what a great boy Kobe had become and how he actually desires do the right thing and how Shawnie worked to accomplish this and how Nobody knows Kobe as well as I do except his Mom, Man it was so dvastating to me i would not be able to keep my promise to Shawnie. I was crushed this little boy who calls me Dad along with his Mom who it was clear to me the Love of my Life both torn from me in a matter of three days. the two of them looked at me so coldly and gave no ground to my requests at all. At one point near the end Joe stated " i guess this is were your faith gets tested. i started to get up because i could not stop the tears from flowing or my voice from cracking, my shoulders slumped and i started to leave, Joe was in front of me and looked at me closely and asked me somewhat compassionately for the first time " you alright" and i looked up at him with my eyes full of tears and my voice cracking" No, No i am not" and i left. The events of this weekend were so surreal i could not believe that i would be able to walk through this, i felt so very alone that day. but no matter what i knew that it did not even compare to what my princess must be going through.

A collective gasp and anguish displayed tears rolled down everyone cheeks disbelief shock anger and a deep sadness i will never forget. every one was speechless. i only could only see Shawnie who quietly accepted this decision two officers were there to take her in and helped her remove all her jewelry before booking her. i can only imagine what have been going thru her mind at this time. the only words she could utter was " NO" when asked if she wanted to say her goodbyes. She never looked back once after the verdict was read, and even though i wanted more than anything to hold her so closely one more time. I understood why. it would have been too much heartache at once to face. so without a word or a glance she was gone. her lawyer gathered us all up outside the courtroom we all numbly followed him and gathered in circle outside, i remembered what she told me earlier that morning so before the lawyer spoke up i began to speak. i told them that she told them all not to be sad and even though this was not the miracle we wanted it was a miracle nonetheless, now i was crying and my voice was cracking and concluded by saying how this had actually saved her life because of the person she had now become, i ended it by saying how much i was going to miss her. The lawyer spoke up and mentioned that she might be eligible too be released in six months which helped a little and the pastor prayed and we all left. Two her AA friends really reached out to me and were very instrumental in helping me in the short time after this day, they may never fully understand but they were angels from heaven. My son Bryan was there and we drove home together i don't even recall if we spoke and what was said, i literally was reeling beyond belief. No indictment no judgement but to this day every one seemed to pick up the pieces of there lives so much more easily than i did, my condition was actually the lowest and most devastating thing i have ever walked thru. After seeing all those tear filled eyes i thought we had an instant support group, but that has not really happened. All by God's design. It took me well over a month to find some peace an acceptance in any small measure. i went to a lot AA meetings at first and poured an poured my heart out everywhere to everyone i saw this ended up not being fruitful all very few people reached out to me, also God's Design. I felt so alone and to make matters even more difficult my princess of course was even more devastated than me. the hardest thing is to see her in such pain and anguish and there nothing i could do about it. I took Her son Kobe to see her that Sunday and all that was displayed was the sobbing and crying of both her and Kobe. i wanted to comfort both of them and hold them both closer and closer, I was not even able to touch her and she initially also was told she could not even touch Kobe either. i was able to hold Kobe but nothing i did could alleviate the pain he must have been feeling that day.

this is by far the most painful part of this journey and likely the most painful period of my life. Shawnie's last court case quickly came upon us and as the shadow of this eventual day got closer it became harder and harder on Shawnie and next on me, it was not as difficult on our boys because even though this was challenging the foundation of love that we had created even though pressed never fractured in any real way. Shawnie went to even more AA meetings and did everything she could not to completely crumble. Her courage and faith to this day amaze me i am and well forever be so proud of her. Everything inside of me wanted to carry some of this burden for her but it was not mine to carry. I got my charge was to Love her and oh my God i love her more than even i can fully comprehend. So i was there through out and faithfully carried her lunch. My brave courageous little princess kept walking step by step no matter what she felt and just like when i first met her my tiny little princess trembling and afraid faced all things that stood against her unwavering and undaunted. Much earlier a few amazing women at church prophesied that Shawnie would not serve any time we faithfully held on to this for a few months, we wholeheartedly embraced this revelation. But the reality that She might still have to serve some time in prison was always present. through all this process there was the legal wrangling and the state did not want to give her a plea bargain. Finally the did offer probation on all the remaining cases, but this did not resolve this situation at all even with the states recommendation you still had to go in front of the judge and he had the final say and at this point could decide to give up to three years. which was a far cry from the twenty years she was facing when i first met her. up to this point one miracle after another allowed us to still see that he just might set her free. Eight months of doing the right thing meant something and it did matter. one man one heart stood in her way. still not an easy decision to make though because if this plea was excepted there was know turning back. So with a lot of prayer and plenty of reservations Shawnie decided to roll the dice. this court date was pushed back once and that did offer a bit of relief until a new date was set, but once the date was set a slow agonizing countdown ins sued. Finally we got to the week before and unexpectedly a real calmness came over us and the last week Shawnie spent a lot of time with all the important people in her life. then the morning of her sentencing arrived her i slowly got ready and i remember sitting on the bed next to her my beautiful princess looked right the eyes and calmly told me to make sure i told everyone no matter what happened not to be sad. A testament to the transformation of my Baby was evidence by the large turn out for this , all of her family our pastor and a number of people she knew from AA well over crowded into that court room. we all prayed together outside of the court room before we went in. As the proceedings began my little princess stood alone with her attorneys in front of all of us. as this all started my little princess all alone in front of everyone i raised one hand and prayed to god with every thing that was in me i did not stop praying, set my princess free i asked. our pastor and her brother-in-law spoke on her behalf and finally Shawnie spoke up on her own behalf her voice was cracking and finally she was sobbing in front of the judge and all of us in the court room. i wanted to run out there and hold her and shield from everything going on right at that moment. My heart was crushed. after all the statements were presented it was now up to the judge and he began his desertation at one point he mentioned three years and collectely our hearts sunk and then he reversed dierection and acknowledged that she had obviously been doing something right and even the prosucuting attorney concured. as we neared the culmination of his statements the thing we had all been waiting for came out of his mouth " it's clear to me that it would not serve anyone for her to serve any time in prison" we were on the edge of our seats i was holding hands with a man i had never met we were smiling and shaking our hands up and down. In my head i was repeating " yes yes yes ' hell i think i was saying it out loud. the judge finally concluded by saying i sentence"Shawnie Beth to one year in the county Jail" this is absolutely the worst moment of my life.

this excerpt covers alot of time a few months in fact. We are all under one roof and in spite of cramped quarters and limited funds we actually flourish in so many ways and every day is an affirmation of all we stand for. Intention to love one clear over riding directive. Shawnie and i give this aspect so much thought and discussion we have such a clear ongoing vision of what that means to us and it is constantly changing as we press even closer and closer to this supreme ideal, our church continues to minister to us in great and mighty ways. At one point we are challenged to give more to our church so Shawnie and i sit down and write out all are bills and include ten percent giving and are surprised to find out we could actually do this. on paper there is often only pennies left but it is still feasible. So only by faith we decide to faithfully do so. Almost right away we start seeing God provide us more and more and somehow some way we have always had more than enough. We even found quite a few opportunities to share what God has given to us to others always making it clear that this was always from God. So many sweet memories in such a short time. Kobe watching Hulk for the hundredth time while Bryan read to Shawnie and I this Book " the screw tape Letters" by C,S. Lewis and us laughing so hard we almost cried as Bryan had a hard time pronouncing some words. Bryan would almost walk out because we teased him so much but we begged him to continue over an over again, Shawnie reading to each other, Starting are day with a hot breakfast to include Pancakes sausage eggs and some potatoes. At least two or three times a week taking Kobe to the park with bat and ball in hand to practice hitting always with a million Kobe questions. I taught Kobe when i asked him are" are you ready" he answered in almost a drawl " Born ready" it was so perfect. That little boy has some real talent and can really hit the ball well for a four year old. I know a little bit about this and have coached all my kids in baseball OK maybe a little bias but that's OK. We often refer to him as our retirement plan because when he is a major league baseball star he can take care of us when we are older, alright i know i am already older ha ah. Since i work swing shift a lot of life happened while i was gone but Shawnie was always eager and faithful to joyously give me all the details of how Love always wins and the fruit of that was always on display in our two amazing spirit filled boys. I digress a bit Church was fantastic such peace love and joy God ties everything together so beautifully. I am beyond amazement and anticipate the tie in everything that my heart is contemplating god has been so faithful to open my eyes every week literally every Sunday for over eight months i get hit right between the eyes. When your your heart and eyes finally have the courage to love unconditionally and understand the extreme power that is flowing around everyone and most importantly those of course nearest to you the ever unfolding demonstration of miracles will leave you in such awe and wonder and in complete humility of God's power you will surrender to the infinite power of Love.

Well with a little trepidation and a lot of concerns about whether we were ready for this big step and whether it was the best thing for all of us, honestly i had no reservations at all it was so clear to me that we were all better together than apart. All under one roof with no exit strategy we started a very important bond building god centered love motivated time together. life was cramped and money was always tight but what a wonderful time for us. Shawnie cooked all the time and usually created this fantastic feasts out of little or nothing, she really enjoyed serving us with love this way. all the traditions that we started continued and we flourished more and more every day. This whole time every Sunday we joyfully went to church. the anointing and love we have sweetly received has and is the foundation of everything that is important to us. And yes there existed some contradiction in our relationship together and with Christ. at some point at about the same time we both were convicted that we should abstain from sex until we could be right in the eyes of god. we have not been perfect but have done pretty well, there is know condemnation in Christ. I believe he does examine our hearts and treats fairly. Shawnie and i have seen so many miracles all around us not to believe that we were and still are living under the favor of God. We all spent so much time together often riding around in the car playing our favorite cd's and songs all of belting out so loudly. Shawnie the great multi- tasking mother remembered the number of each track. we would often request one or the others favorite track as a nice gesture and sing along with them as an act of love, Kobe was really keen to this and would always announce whose song were currently playing. Kobe is likely the most amazing beautiful intuitive four year old i have ever known, which is not an easy thing to say because Bryan was simply remarkarble when he was younger. I guess they are both exceptional but very different, Kobe recent past included some very challenging days he had to survive before i met him, at first when i started spend some time with him, he was so needy and demanding and appeared to have little self control. fast forward a few months and this little angel was secure out our house no matter who was home, Mom was always tops on his list that's for sure, but he knew he was loved. he also began to really display an honest desire to do the right thing which i believe was simply amazing, think of any four year old you know and honestly tell me if you can say that. when i first got around Him jabbered a lot at times about his Dad, but over time mention of his Dad became less and less. Finally he started to ask if it was ok to call me Dad and tried that name out for awhile and eventually more often than not i here, Daddy. Kobe made that decision not me it would not matter if he ever called me Dad i already have four sons, i was very touched though that he did. Kobe's transformation daily for shawnie and i was a true demonstration of awe and wonder. We humbly are motivated by Love in all we do, but we have been blown away so many times by the power of Love, i don't know how many times we said we must be doing something right as we watched both boys

Well with a little trepidation and a lot of concerns about whether we were ready for this big step and whether it was the best thing for all of us, honestly i had no reservations at all it was so clear to me that we were all better together than apart. All under one roof with no exit strategy we started a very important bond building god centered love motivated time together. life was cramped and money was always tight but what a wonderful time for us. Shawnie cooked all the time and usually created this fantastic feasts out of little or nothing, she really enjoyed serving us with love this way. all the traditions that we started continued and we flourished more and more every day. This whole time every Sunday we joyfully went to church. the anointing and love we have sweetly received has and is the foundation of everything that is important to us. And yes there existed some contradiction in our relationship together and with Christ. at some point at about the same time we both were convicted that we should abstain from sex until we could be right in the eyes of god. we have not been perfect but have done pretty well, there is know condemnation in Christ. I believe he does examine our hearts and treats fairly. Shawnie and i have seen so many miracles all around us not to believe that we were and still are living under the favor of God. We all spent so much time together often riding around in the car playing our favorite cd's and songs all of belting out so loudly. Shawnie the great multi- tasking mother remembered the number of each track. we would often request one or the others favorite track as a nice gesture and sing along with them as an act of love, Kobe was really keen to this and would always announce whose song were currently playing. Kobe is likely the most amazing beautiful intuitive four year old i have ever known, which is not an easy thing to say because Bryan was simply remarkarble when he was younger. I guess they are both exceptional but very different, Kobe recent past included some very challenging days he had to survive before i met him, at first when i started spend some time with him, he was so needy and demanding and appeared to have little self control. fast forward a few months and this little angel was secure out our house no matter who was home, Mom was always tops on his list that's for sure, but he knew he was loved. he also began to really display an honest desire to do the right thing which i believe was simply amazing, think of any four year old you know and honestly tell me if you can say that. when i first got around Him jabbered a lot at times about his Dad, but over time mention of his Dad became less and less. Finally he started to ask if it was ok to call me Dad and tried that name out for awhile and eventually more often than not i here, Daddy. Kobe made that decision not me it would not matter if he ever called me Dad i already have four sons, i was very touched though that he did. Kobe's transformation daily for shawnie and i was a true demonstration of awe and wonder. We humbly are motivated by Love in all we do, but we have been blown away so many times by the power of Love, i don't know how many times we said we must be doing something right as we watched both boys

After the new year and Bryan was back to school what we were we to do. Shawnie had been staying with her sister and even though they had been wonderful and gracious to take Shawnie and Kobe in when she had began to make her final stand, and had treated her very good there was just something different when we all were under one roof that was magical. Keep in mind i live in this rather small two bedroom apartment and Bryan at this point needed his own space so it was always cozy to put it mildly. In our midst constantly was a very active jabbering four year old. It has been his amazing transformation that made this all possible. If God had not touched his heart and not brought some sense of security and the desire to do the right thing we would not have survived and enjoyed so much happiness in our little home. Shawnie and I were amazed every day at the progress we saw in Kobe, we would often comment that we must be doing something right, and coin one of our phrases " Love Always Wins". we did not have all the answers, but every day we made a thoughtful intention to do the right thing. we fully anticipated Shawnie and Kobe would go back to her sister's house and she kind of did, but it seemed different now and a internal conflict existed because it seemed like our collective well being and bliss was together. a number of things happened all at once where her once very reliable family was being challenged in many ways. Shawnie was not sure how her and Kobe fit into these recent turn of events, and even though we were not sure we were ready for such a bold move, we asked the question should Shawnie and Kobe move in with Bryan and I. Bryan earlier stated in no uncertain terms that he was opposed to have any one live with us. he was by far our single biggest obstacle in asking this question. I asked. His answer came so quickly and easily that i knew he was ok with this new arrangement, i told Shawnie, she also asked Bryan because it was so important to her that he was ok and ready for this huge adjustment in his life. She always puts the needs of the kids ahead of her own and had she even sensed some hesitation on his part she would not have moved in, but he was clearly at peace with this proposition. She and Kobe did move in. All those clothes and toys. Shawnie quickly organized everything. God brought us some much needed shelves. our sleeping arrangements were going to be a challenge, but from the very start i lovingly agreed to sleep on the couch and Give Shawnie and Kobe my bed, no pat on the back please Love displayed gives and gives that's all. this is now past the first of the year and much of Shawnie's legal trouble had some amazing favorable resolutions as one case or another was plea bargained down to a misdemeanor, and the custody case over Kobe took a miraculous turn when the court ordered drug tests came back. Shawnie had been sober for only four months when the requested hair samples came back, and those tests usually go back for over six months, but miraculously her results came back negative, even more surprsingly Kobe's dad results came back positive for quite of number of different substances. What seemed at one point like piling on actually ended up being a huge blessing in disguise as Shawnie was in the drivers seat when it came to the parenting and the future of Kobe. this single event eventually took on huge ramifications later because the sentencing date of the largest case creeped ever close to it's culmination. you can not appreciate or under estimate the ongoing and ever increasing effect this eventual circumstance weighed on us and more importantly Shawnie. unbelievably though every day in every way possible Shawnie got up every day almost without exception and tried to do the right thing by the boys and me. I love her so much and I am so proud of her and would not have believed that ayone could have done this had i not been by her side this whole time. My Princess Rocks.

After the new year and Bryan was back to school what we were we to do. Shawnie had been staying with her sister and even though they had been wonderful and gracious to take Shawnie and Kobe in when she had began to make her final stand, and had treated her very good there was just something different when we all were under one roof that was magical. Keep in mind i live in this rather small two bedroom apartment and Bryan at this point needed his own space so it was always cozy to put it mildly. In our midst constantly was a very active jabbering four year old. It has been his amazing transformation that made this all possible. If God had not touched his heart and not brought some sense of security and the desire to do the right thing we would not have survived and enjoyed so much happiness in our little home. Shawnie and I were amazed every day at the progress we saw in Kobe, we would often comment that we must be doing something right, and coin one of our phrases " Love Always Wins". we did not have all the answers, but every day we made a thoughtful intention to do the right thing. we fully anticipated Shawnie and Kobe would go back to her sister's house and she kind of did, but it seemed different now and a internal conflict existed because it seemed like our collective well being and bliss was together. a number of things happened all at once where her once very reliable family was being challenged in many ways. Shawnie was not sure how her and Kobe fit into these recent turn of events, and even though we were not sure we were ready for such a bold move, we asked the question should Shawnie and Kobe move in with Bryan and I. Bryan earlier stated in no uncertain terms that he was opposed to have any one live with us. he was by far our single biggest obstacle in asking this question. I asked. His answer came so quickly and easily that i knew he was ok with this new arrangement, i told Shawnie, she also asked Bryan because it was so important to her that he was ok and ready for this huge adjustment in his life. She always puts the needs of the kids ahead of her own and had she even sensed some hesitation on his part she would not have moved in, but he was clearly at peace with this proposition. She and Kobe did move in. All those clothes and toys. Shawnie quickly organized everything. God brought us some much needed shelves. our sleeping arrangements were going to be a challenge, but from the very start i lovingly agreed to sleep on the couch and Give Shawnie and Kobe my bed, no pat on the back please Love displayed gives and gives that's all. this is now past the first of the year and much of Shawnie's legal trouble had some amazing favorable resolutions as one case or another was plea bargained down to a misdemeanor, and the custody case over Kobe took a miraculous turn when the court ordered drug tests came back. Shawnie had been sober for only four months when the requested hair samples came back, and those tests usually go back for over six months, but miraculously her results came back negative, even more surprsingly Kobe's dad results came back positive for quite of number of different substances. What seemed at one point like piling on actually ended up being a huge blessing in disguise as Shawnie was in the drivers seat when it came to the parenting and the future of Kobe. this single event eventually took on huge ramifications later because the sentencing date of the largest case creeped ever close to it's culmination. you can not appreciate or under estimate the ongoing and ever increasing effect this eventual circumstance weighed on us and more importantly Shawnie. unbelievably though every day in every way possible Shawnie got up every day almost without exception and tried to do the right thing by the boys and me. I love her so much and I am so proud of her and would not have believed that ayone could have done this had i not been by her side this whole time. My Princess Rocks.

well the party was one of many turning points on this incredible journey. it was about two weeks later and my son Bryan started his Christmas break and since i work swing shift he would be home alone every night and even though he is very responsible Shawnie and i decided it would be better if an adult was here, So Shawnie and Kobe kinda moved in. this would really begin the process of solidifying our family. we had know idea really but it just seemed right Kobe was much better he calmed down alot and bryan and Shawnie started developing there own special bond, Shawnie adores Bryan so much and literally views him just same way she does Kobe. and i also really do Love Kobe the same way and maybe because i am a little older now and i don't have to contend with so many kids anymore i really enjoyed all the time i spent with him. Shawnie and i started to really get closer and began some traditions we fondly recall all the time even to this day. every night no matter when i got home and i often did have to work late she would always leave me instructions to wake her before i got in the shower so she could get up and heat up my dinner and talk to me while i ate and more often than not she would ask if i wanted her to make some coffee because we needed a little go juice so we could stay up and talk about a million things quite often till four or five in the morning we would always comment that it had gone by so fast and it did not seem so late, we spent endless hours on the porch drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes our conversation invaribly centered on God and the kids. we coined a few phrases which to us describe everything that is important to us and we were so wholeheartdly in agreement about the important stuff. " do the right thing " which was our genearal all purpose directive and always our intention. " Love Always Wins" which describes our heart and is the power by which our lives are transformed with are Kids with God with each other we added " unconditional love always wins" and we believe tha the ability to love that way is God given and so powerful.. I had Loved many times in my Life but never this way i would sacrifice anything for my little foursome and espiacially my little princess. we to this point had never had a fight or even a disagreement we really never had any real tension between us, Shawnie had always worked and often was the sole bread winner in her past relationships. this was not easy for her to rely solely on me, but i never had an issue with this. she had way too much to do with her court cases and the boys to worry about it. I also think it was important for her to see that real love is has nothing to do with a job. I told Shawnie that i loved her because all the real important stuff was alredy there. I also told her no mater how long she went away i woulde wait for her, i have spent all my life dressing up impostors to be my princess, now i had found the real deal so i was done looking amen

all i remember from that second date was that hug. it still resonates very sweetly in my soul. thus began our journey of discovery we introduced our boys into the mix a bit. i just got a new apartment and we planned as kinda of a house warming event Shawnie, my fifteen year old son Bryan and i would all go out to eat. This would be the first time the two of them would ever meet Shawnie was so nervous. even though i reassured her and told her that Bryan was not your typical teenager and he is most certainly not. she had her reservations but i think it was a Saturday afternoon we all met at my new apartment my brother-in-law Jimmy and one of his sons stopped by and Shawnie got on a real roll teasing me about my age, being the old man. she found a million angles to prod me with. all in good fun. eventually everyone left and the three of us went out to eat at some oriental place close by the laughter and frivolity continued all night Bryan and Shawnie hit it off so well it was truly a magical evening. From that very day Shawnie was done. She stated and has exhibited complete unconditional Love for Bryan from that very Day. to this day he has no idea how much my little princess loves him. she step in completely even though she knew that with a mother in the picture that his relationship with her was a choice. it was hard for me imagine that a woman could actually love me i had heard those words before and it was finally revealed that it never was really so, but the way shawnie embraced and adored my son, it's honest sincerity and genuine unreserved display touched me deeply. if this woman embraced my son so lovingly why was she hear if not because of her love for me. and to this day her concern foe his welfare has not wavered one bit and now includes more of my children. but Bryan has a very special place in her heart she is sprung when it comes to him, and fiercely over- protective when comes to him and even reigns me back if she thinks i am being too hard and jokingly says you better not be messing with my baby. Kobe her son was introduced soon afterward he is only four i loved him right away who could not love a four year old chatter box, and how he could talk and keep up the barrage of questions continually, i guess more importantly for Kobe is that he decided to love and trust me and we are very close and our hearts are forever knitted together. Shawnie has shared as much that my love of her son touched her too. neither one of us has much luck with Love. God knew how to start building the impossible from there very start because if it had been just the two of us we would have never developed enough trust to go very far, thank God For his miracles

Shawnie and i began to spend more time together and every other weekend Kobe went to see is Dad, in the midst of all this other drama with these other cases that Shawnie was facing Kobe's dad filed for custody which at the time seemed like piling on to her already huge and overwhelming set of circumstances. So even though Kobe's dad had not really showed any interest for awhile he started getting ever other weekend with Kobe. these weekends even though they included a bit of concern for Kobe's welfare because his dad was a real piece of work and almost invariably if Shawnie and him talked he would use this opportunity to bash her verbally in some way, we would have two days for just us lazy days and long nights endless conversations and all the pleasures two people could have and such a freedom to just be ourselves uninhibited no agenda no control no expectations really a beautiful thing and something that i had never experienced before. our lives were still real busy she lived with her sister and brother-in- law and with kobe and meetings she stayed busy and i had my busy work schedule and my son Bryan, but grew closer and closer. when we could we all started going places together and Shawnie used to hold and caress my hand as we drove and when she did i could barely talk and her and Bryan would always joke about my driving and to be honest i was at times a danger to everyone in my path, i was so completely hers and she did have me at hello and her touch would rocket me into an area were no one had ever been and still does to this day. my birthday was comming up fast in the first part of December and it was a milestone birthday the five ohh, yep fifty. i really had know real expectations Shawnie and i had only been going out a short while it was the christmas season a card and a great hug would have been great, but little did i know but shawnie had been planning something special for some time already. i had my first bout of jealousy and fear as i conjured up in my mind that she still carrying a torch for kobe's dad. the mind can be very dangerous when i latches on to ill conceived thoughts. she was a little perturbed and frustrated but we did come to a peaceful parting that day, i did not know this at the time but her whole day had been devoted to planning for my party, later i was a little more than embarrassed when i found out how far from the mark i was. Shawnie and I attended a Christmas party with her sister and brother-in-law and afterwards we had one of our nights without kobe i fully expected her to spend the night with me but Shawnwie said she had so much to do that she had to go home instead. i am sure i was a little more than disappointed but not the end of the world. she told me the next day they were having this lunch for something and i was invited it was a her house cool any excuse to see her more and i was in. i remember that i could not get there on time because i had to wait until Bryan got off work, but she said no problem and when we finally arrived Surprise she had a party for me she had invited everyone i knew including my ex-wife who did not attend but my brother-in-law jimmy and his sons came and most of her extended family too. i can not express how moved and touched i was i am usually a very out-going and gregarious person but that day i did not say much. i was near tears of gratitude all day i could not believe anyone had done this for me, and you see Shawnie was on public assistance she received only a few hundred dollars and some food allotment and it was very clear to me with the amount of food and gifts that i got that she had sacrificed it all on behalf. she had laid it all on the line for me. i guess i have been searching for this all my life, but i was know convinced there was something fundamentally flawed with me and know one could ever love me this way. Thank God i was wrong

So much of the time after are first date centered on the phone but by this time i was so smitten already and i think she knew it. i believe Shawnie was flattered and intrigued but had been hurt so much in her previous relationship that it was almost impossible to consider Love again, but i think no matter what she says she was more in than out from the beginning too. well anyways we finally agreed to see each other again she asked me if i would like to join her at church i was so excited. for anybody who might follow this story it might sound like a contradiction. keep in mind we are people and subject to many influences. truthfully the same heart that always is looking for true love also yearns for a deep abiding relationship with God, and at this juncture i believe it to be a resurrected Christ. The only thing i have been missing is the deeply personal part of that equation but that would soon change too. i was so nervous and arrived at church early found a seat were she told me she sat. i wanted to see her so much everyone who came in i shot a glance quickly to see hope and then dejection. oh and finally she arrived and came and sat next to me my palms were sweating. we did hold hands which was great but i could not calm down. we went through the whole worship and afterward they told everyone to do this meet and greet portion we stopped and looked at each and just fell into this crushing hug that felt like it would never end and who would want it too. at that instant all my fears and nervousness disappeared. I loved my princess completely i was all in. My baby so new to recovery and starting again to be a real parent to her four year old son Kobe. for anybody who has the pleasure of new recovery from alcohol or drug addiction it is an incredibly trying adventure especially early on. she was so absolutely committed to do all the right things so at first even though we would have liked too we had too many responsibilities too ever just devote ourselves too just each other and to this day we would not have it any other way. the kids always come first. Since we had too see each sparingly i always look forward to seeing her just like that second date. it's true. also that very same church became central to everything we valued and still is watching my princess worship Jesus gave me an indication that my relationship could be more personal. i did spend some time questioning myself and trying to talk myself out of this crazy situation. just a crazy old man who had lost his marbles. I ran done all the legitimate reasons to walk away. it did not matter to me at all. the creeping thought of my obvious insanity did follow me around for awhile but it did become even more obvious later that a certain destiny has followed us through this whole affair. stay tuned