For Kobe's Sake

For Kobe's sake, I am in Love with a little princess named Shawnie. She will be released from the Maricopa county jail after serving in that hell hole for a year. We are so close now I can almost taste it. Over the last couple of weeks the reports we have received about her Five year old son Kobe have been a little disturbing. He has been so strong for so long. He has shown such tremendous courage through out most of this long journey. We are near the end and God bless his heart but he is crumbling a bit, he has regressed in many ways currently. I do not blame him one bit and am so proud of him. After talking with Shawnie earlier today it all hit me. We have taken so many body blows from life this year it would be understandable if we were rattled and afraid, but for Kobe's sake he deserves our best, and our best apart from God is not good enough. He deserves the absolute Best we have. It will only come from our faithfulness and trust In our Lord. Bryan is only sixteen, But for Bryan's sake he deserves nothing short of our best. Shawnie and I are grown and have had to live with the consequences of many of our own mistakes, but for the sake of Shawnie and I we deserve nothing less than our best, and apart from God our best is not good enough. For the sake of all those who will cross our path in the future they deserve nothing less than our best. It all begins though with a little Five year old who has spent most of his life wondering why he was not enough and why they do not come around any more. Starting in a little over a month Shawnie and I have an opportunity to rewrite this little boys legacy. Will we contribute another chapter of pain disappointment and loss to this precious little ones existence. If we don't do the right thing and surrender it all to the one most high God in all that we do we are not going to show up with our best and with the damage that has already been done to this little boy we will be signing his death sentence. Sobering but true. All day I have kept repeating Three words " For Kobe's Sake" even though it starts in my mind with Kobe it is for all our sakes, we were all little and precious just like him. we also deserved the best someone had to offer and were shortchanged by those around us. How long will we let this go on. can we really forgive those who failed us if when presented with the solution we find we did the exact same thing. Can we ask for forgiveness from our past mistakes even though we continue to do the same thing over and over. With my eyes wide open this time. I will not be able to live with myself if I don't give Kobe my best, God' best this time. Along with that includes My son Bryan and all my other children, also Shawnie and myself we deserve some one's best and we are in a position to do that Not only for ourselves but every one we meet because they were just like us and deserved the best too. Love Always Wins

The End is Near

A little over a month and my little princess comes home. It is almost impossible to believe after a year and so much is happened we are literally stronger than ever. I have really felt better and better every day. Satan keeps taking these huge body blows at me. I am now done reacting to them any more. Even though trials disappointment and loss will come the sun shines brightly and I have so much to be grateful for. As some people stand against me others boldly no matter what stand with me. Love Always Wins has been our creed and continues to be our calling card and every day it is tested Both for me and Shawnie. It has made us really intentionally apply this continually often in the face of so many that are first inclination is to shoot and take no prisoners. What a good test but not always easy. I try to keep it very simple. Love God with all your heart mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself, God is truth, and truth is Love. If we have faith we will have the needed power to display courage. The power we wield that can not be stopped is love. If we strive to really see the beauty in others we might see the beauty in ourselves, and yes you are beautiful, I see it. There is no freedom in the perceived shortcomings of others,we are confined and imprisoned by the practice. unless we identify we would have nothing to judge. So who are we judging anyways. A life that does not include Love any every level God, myself and others is no life at all. Some things are worth fighting for, some things are worth dying for. Well all those I posted on facebook today. I thought I would write them down. Love Always Wins when we first began using that phrase I thought of it as a feel good phrase for our happy home which it is, but it really has become much more than that. The world and it's people along with the demonic forces that prowl are more threatened by that than any religion on this earth. What if we all just started being more loving to each other. Really Loving. The kind that does literally turn the other cheek and keeps no record of wrongs, forgives again and again. I have had to reaffirm that decision so many times, but this i know today is that I like and l love myself so much more every time I do it. I see how this works, but certainly I deserve no credit. The God I love first loved me and has been equipping more and more to bring his Love to other people. It's amazing to be apart of what he does through Shawnie and I just by loving people, yes I know people can be hard to Love

We are never as good as our press clippings

A quiet Saturday afternoon contemplating what my new composition I will create on the new canvass I purchased today. It's brewing inside of me but has not revealed itself to me yet. I am on day Two of a Three day Fast. As I was reading the Bible God spoke to me. I try real hard to be obedient when my messages are clear to me. I have been confronted recently with my weaknesses and don't like it, but they have driven home the idea that apart from an all compassing deeply personal relationship with my savior I struggle and spend so much time being afraid it clouds everything I do. Haven enjoyed a great deep communion with Holy Spirit makes this futility and separation more acute. I have no excuses, ignorance is no protection at all. I know better today. This fast is my testimony, my witness that my words are exactly what I say they are. I have been In Love with my princess for over a year and half now. I reached a point after nine months of her being incarcerated though when my relationship with Christ was at it's lowest point after I got thrown out of my church. I caved in and could not take the weight of all the losses that I had walked through over the last year. I convinced myself temporarily that I could walk away and life would be better. I did not plan my escape, but I met someone who was so amazing as I watch her do the work of learning to Love herself. I was drawn in. We became very close friends and really looked forward to my time with her. At some point she dropped the bombshell and shared with me that her feelings were now far beyond friendship. Initially I did the right thing and we really stopped spending any time together at all, But since I was really not in a strong place spiritually it was really hard on the both of us. I wanted an escape from all the things that I could no longer bear anymore. Well to make a long story short I ended up being unfaithful to my Princess. After this I did tell my princess what I had done. Not A great day as she hid herself when I left. I then tried to regain my focus and put her behind and renew my Love for my princess. The whole time my princess and I have been together she has struggled to give her hear to me completely. Her past and deep wounds prevented her from being all in. She was always honest with me about this. We enjoyed an amazing communion anyway, But then someone I really enjoyed showed me what it was for someone to be In Love with me, and what that looked like. I was more than intrigued and could not resist the temptation to find out. I told my Princess that i had to pursue this otherwise it would haunt me. so i did, it was all great and we were very compatible, but I under estimated were my heart was at. I had given it all away to my princess. It was no longer mine. Also as a result of me pulling away Shawnie had to be real honest with herself and she discovered she was In Love with me. We continued to talk on the phone and I still visited her in jail. Amazingly she was not willing to give up on me and us.. She demonstrated real Love beyond description and just kept doing it even though her must have been so heavy. Tiff and I never had nothing but sweet times, but she sensed and knew that my heart was elsewhere. So one day she told me that she had to concentrate on other priorities and made a few excuses and we parted. Right before that I told Shawnie I would start writing her again which had stopped doing after having written well over three or four hundred letters in the nine months she had been gone. I stopped writing because I knew that when I write I always reveal my heart and was and had been trying to run from my heart. So I stopped and was willing to just be honest. Not so surprisingly that sweet communion blossomed between us an even richer than ever before because it included both of us completely. I would not recommend my path, but it served a purpose and has had some benefits. But looking back I feel foolish but I move forward In Love.

Setbacks or Blessings

Are you really interested in being better or are making excuses to remain the same. It is always about perspective which view destroys me and which view frees me and why on earth would I entertain the one which destroys over freedom? Good question but to be honest don't we often embrace an image of lack and despair over empowerment and peace? Is it really that simple? Yes I believe it is. The why is a bit more complicated and can not be unraveled without complete self honesty. Like it says in the literature we can not fool ourselves about value. And we must dig deep enough to reveal the misconception of who and what we are. some wound or wounds from are past distort and undermine our proper self image. these events likely encompass are the areas we hide from others that include the most pain and shame. I did not like to address or admit how wounded I actually was. If I only flew right and put some distance between me and these Horrors I thought they would go away, to the contrary they became the evil and corroding thread that twisted itself around all that i was trying to do. I became debilitated by my own secret dark image of myself that my choices always seemed to explode in front of me and the people in my life were not healthy and good for me. The process to freedom for included a commitment to be transparent and honest as much as i could. It has been a great adventure. Just recently yesterday in fact I realized i was defining and viewing my life in the context of what i had lost. very limiting and fearful place right there. It then dawned on me that those things i counted as losses were actually obstacles and God in his Love and graciousness was removing all the things that were standing in my way of the life he wants for me. Wow bring it on I can't wait. perspective changes everything. Amen

putting down your flag

Amazing that is what I am. Because God says so.I know this through the Revelation of the holy spirit in my life. Just understanding and feeling his presence is the most remarkable thing that has ever happened facilitated by my little princess joining me in this thing called life. Yes so many tough trials that the lord has carried me through over this last year. All of them have drawn me closer to my beautiful creator. I am so grateful less of me and more of him every step of the way. I am able to love without reservation today. I am able to cherish and adore my princess without fear. I have a love and true compassion for everybody I see and have been given a gift to share with so many I meet. I have a peace that is beyond all comprehension to me. All these are gracious gifts from my father those and many more. As I walk forward I am confronted with the next self imposed restriction in my way. It's my view of me how it relates to how picture myself financially. To be honest for over a month i have been dragging my feet on a great opportunity because I am a difficult time thinking of myself good enough to do this even though truthfully it looks like a perfect fit for me. I praise God for surrounding me with great people to encourage and help me and also many miracles too. I begin this part of my journey affirming God's view of me rather than my own negative self talk. I am amazing loving capable talented and blessed. God made me. Loves me and wants whats best for me. As long as i am thinking and doing for others I am in God's will. Loving Him Myself and others. He said if I do this it will be well with me. He said it, I believe it, that's enough. I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. JER 29:11..........................so do we short change God or do we short change ourselves? likely a combination but ultimately we are not enjoying the life he has prepared for us. God is distant and we are struggling daily with fear and doubt wondering why we never seem to enjoy all the rich blessings we are sure he would want for us. I believe it stems from our own self image. Everything as we walk closer to our creator requires honest evaluation and courage. We are more than likely confronting vaporous demons and ill conceived lies, There is no bogey man. live free and be happy because God want me too.

halfway there

My princess and I are now halfway home. She will be out in six more months maybe five if everything goes right. The ache i feel in my heart is beyond description. The love i feel grows everyday. I have only eyes for her and her alone. I have become the Love expert, but really the difference in me compared to anyone else is only courage and i trust Jesus. i accept myself. God loves me and he made me this way. he has a purpose that i am supposed to live out. Loving what he has made and loving the people I meet. With My princess he gave me the charge to love her above all others and I count that as my greatest legacy. My ability to love is so beyond the man I once was. I have only one real message Love, and do it with all your heart, hold nothing back. It's are only hope we never have more power than when we love this way. I can feel how my princess is doing all the time. She is the most spoiled person in that jail and I am literally frustrated i can't do more. Love gives and gives never tires or grows weary. Is not afraid and is constantly courageous. Six months and still my heart aches and this sadness never leaves me. I have peace that goes beyond comprehension. In the last six months i have had my princess sentenced for a year in the county hell hole, i have had the people watching her son refuse me access to him for over four months, i have lost my Job, i have been told to not come back to the church we loved. i have witnessed my ex-wife start drinking and the kids close by have had to see that. She has been on a year long campaign to bad mouth me at every opportunity, and just recently my divorce with her was final. What would you do and how would you react? i know how the old me would have. it might have included a single bullet. I am who I say I am. Love Always wins and it does. God has gifted me with the ability to return all this calamity with Love, Really yes really. is he insane you might ask. Fair enough watch me closely I am who I say I am. Over the last three months i have had the great honor of sharing this simple message of Love to so many people usually followed by those grateful yearning tears of relief. My observation is that most of this world lacks Love we are wounded broken and fractured our hearts crave it and our souls search for it. The culmination of all those who hurt us is a false distortion of our real beauty. we make one decision after another to shield ourselves from any further pain. a self created prison which we built to protect us which it fails miserably at anyway, but does cut us off from real love and real happiness. a life predicated on safety but none exists. but we live in lonely darkness to afraid to ever come out as we build one more shield to protect us, but all the flaming arrows hit us anyway. manage and control, fear and doubt and such despair. it eventually seems hopeless, and as long as we do it this way it will be. i choose to put it all on the line remove all the shields and live and love today as if there is no tomorrow. like i said we are never more powerful than when we love this way. at this point i hardly ever think of myself and don't care what anyone thinks of me. i am free finally. love always wins. Thank you my little princess.

who can stand against me

it's been awhile life has not been boring at all though far from it. So much has happened in my life I am currently unemployed. over the last few months various trials beset me. Even though i would rather not have had to walk these many difficult miles what i have learned could not have happened other wise. When it comes to the building of my relationship with my princess so many revelations brought out by walking through these unfortunate circumstances. After i lost my job I had to talk to my princess and even though i knew better i worried just a little about her reaction but her love for me was so magnificent and when just this week I told her that the church we both have loved told me not to return she was shocked and very upset but she again loved me unconditionally. And when she was sentenced to a year in jail and taken away and i told her i would write everyday while she is gone. I have now have written her over three hundred letters in less than six months. And as these pages pour out over and over again the words of my undying love she sees that someone can love that way and that she is my princess. We have addressed almost every fear and situation that i would really have liked to avoid. If life had not presented me with these circumstances i would have never had the joy of seeing that my fears were unfounded and this little princess does love me really love me. I have watched my whole life change over the last year since i have decided to live as honest and transparent as possible. Even though i a currently facing some many obstacles i would not trade any of for what i have received, Old friends and some great new friends a beautiful calling on my life and the absolute love of my princess who i adore. If i remained in my old life i may have not had so many obstacles and life would have likely gone on just as before but i would have been in the process of slowly dying and my savior and the knowledge of what love is would have never been revealed to me. i thank God for all he has done and continues to do for me.