We are never as good as our press clippings

A quiet Saturday afternoon contemplating what my new composition I will create on the new canvass I purchased today. It's brewing inside of me but has not revealed itself to me yet. I am on day Two of a Three day Fast. As I was reading the Bible God spoke to me. I try real hard to be obedient when my messages are clear to me. I have been confronted recently with my weaknesses and don't like it, but they have driven home the idea that apart from an all compassing deeply personal relationship with my savior I struggle and spend so much time being afraid it clouds everything I do. Haven enjoyed a great deep communion with Holy Spirit makes this futility and separation more acute. I have no excuses, ignorance is no protection at all. I know better today. This fast is my testimony, my witness that my words are exactly what I say they are. I have been In Love with my princess for over a year and half now. I reached a point after nine months of her being incarcerated though when my relationship with Christ was at it's lowest point after I got thrown out of my church. I caved in and could not take the weight of all the losses that I had walked through over the last year. I convinced myself temporarily that I could walk away and life would be better. I did not plan my escape, but I met someone who was so amazing as I watch her do the work of learning to Love herself. I was drawn in. We became very close friends and really looked forward to my time with her. At some point she dropped the bombshell and shared with me that her feelings were now far beyond friendship. Initially I did the right thing and we really stopped spending any time together at all, But since I was really not in a strong place spiritually it was really hard on the both of us. I wanted an escape from all the things that I could no longer bear anymore. Well to make a long story short I ended up being unfaithful to my Princess. After this I did tell my princess what I had done. Not A great day as she hid herself when I left. I then tried to regain my focus and put her behind and renew my Love for my princess. The whole time my princess and I have been together she has struggled to give her hear to me completely. Her past and deep wounds prevented her from being all in. She was always honest with me about this. We enjoyed an amazing communion anyway, But then someone I really enjoyed showed me what it was for someone to be In Love with me, and what that looked like. I was more than intrigued and could not resist the temptation to find out. I told my Princess that i had to pursue this otherwise it would haunt me. so i did, it was all great and we were very compatible, but I under estimated were my heart was at. I had given it all away to my princess. It was no longer mine. Also as a result of me pulling away Shawnie had to be real honest with herself and she discovered she was In Love with me. We continued to talk on the phone and I still visited her in jail. Amazingly she was not willing to give up on me and us.. She demonstrated real Love beyond description and just kept doing it even though her must have been so heavy. Tiff and I never had nothing but sweet times, but she sensed and knew that my heart was elsewhere. So one day she told me that she had to concentrate on other priorities and made a few excuses and we parted. Right before that I told Shawnie I would start writing her again which had stopped doing after having written well over three or four hundred letters in the nine months she had been gone. I stopped writing because I knew that when I write I always reveal my heart and was and had been trying to run from my heart. So I stopped and was willing to just be honest. Not so surprisingly that sweet communion blossomed between us an even richer than ever before because it included both of us completely. I would not recommend my path, but it served a purpose and has had some benefits. But looking back I feel foolish but I move forward In Love.