well my life has been turned upside down at this point. Everything is out of control i am grasping for something to hold on to. I attend a lot of AA meeting and am pouring out my heart and talking and sharing very honestly about my painful circumstances. I am telling everyone about how much i miss Shawnie and Kobe. After my meeting with Joe and Dene i went right to an AA meeting and Joe called me and admitted he was touched by my honest display of love and they agreed to let me have Kobe every Sunday so i could take him to church and after Church to see his Mom in jail. I was encouraged by this and looked forward every week to having him and seeing her. this was short lived though. I thought i needed someone to help me and talked and talked to anyone i could. i ran around like a chicken with his head cut off for awhile. I did go get Kobe every Sunday morning we went to church and as was his custom he bounded through the court yard because he was so eager to spend some time with his friends. Ours visits with Shawnie even though they always included a few tears got better and better. i always did the handsome line routine we also always found time to go to the park and replayed the " born ready" scenario to our collective enjoyment. We talked a lot about Mommy and how much we missed her, and over and over again i reassured him we would all be together again, it was becoming more and more difficult on him when i took him home though. we were at Jimmy's house and when it was time to go he just started bawling and slumped in my arms and implored not to take him back and that he wanted to stay with me. I just held him and held him for a long time. Comforted him and promised him that we would all be together again as soon as possible, he calmed down after about ten minutes and we took him home. The following week though is distress pain and anguish was far worse and there was nothing i could do to comfort him. When we arrived at Dene his was still very upset. She asked what was wrong and he told her i don't want to live here i want to live with Daddy-Mark. I was heartbroken this little precious cargo was just too young to understand. The rest of the day i was in and out of tears because i knew that he was so upset. Dene and Kobe went out to see Shawnie that day. Later that day Shawnie called and dropped the bombshell Dene believed it was just too hard on every one for Kobe to see me every Sunday. And even though i understood and did feel so helpless to help him i was devastated anyways. Shawnie and i cried together and reassured ourselves that this was the best thing for him. He was just such a large part of my life at this point and l loved him so much plus every time i seen him i saw so much of his Mom in everything he did. Afterwards i went to an AA meeting and poured out my heart like i have never done before my pain so intense i could not stand it i spoke slowly and very quietly all from heart. In that room that day was quite a few people i knew many with years of sobriety. After the neeting still crushed by these current events but feeling better because i spoke none of these people even talked to me except this young man who i did not even know, he only had seventeen days sober. All this was by God' design. That day i finally heard that quiet still voice " here i am" i had been looking for someone, but was trying to reveal to me that only he was ready willing and able to help me carry this burden.